Sex on the brain...

Today was one of those stupid touchy feely meetings that our whole office staff had to go to since we are partly state funded.

NONE of us would have chosen this meeting. Actually, it wasn't called a meeting. It is called a "session."

There were three other offices besides ours. One was a branch of health and human service. Another was an audiology clinic and the last was an office of mostly men who worked for some office that was not clear to me. Something about assigning children to "city branches."

Whatever. Of course, they won't let you sit with your co-workers. Not all of them anyway. We all had to count off in numbers from one to seven and then you had to go find other people who had your number. Mine was 4. I did have Milagros and Lori in my group. Milagros is our nurse and Lori is our account billing specialist.

There were 5 others besides us. 3 were men from the whatever office and one was an audiologist. The last was an incredibly beautiful woman who worked as a social worker for health and human services.

We had to play more stupid get-to-know-your-buddies games. I blacked out on most of them. I do remember trying to get away with telling people that I was named Gigi, but Milagros ratted me out accidentally.

Anyway.

At the near end of the 3 hour session, we had to sit down and write ourselves an affirmative wish about what we want in our lives for 2012. Things like 1) I want to be more giving in the workplace or 2) I want to lose ten pounds or 3) I want to see more movies. It could be anything really.

We then had to write it down ten times and then slide it to the person to our left. Then this person had to stand up and introduce us to the rest of the class and say out loud what our affirmation was. This session was moderated by one by-the-book facilitator, a woman named Dr. Lesley. Not sure if she was a medical doctor or what, she never said or actually she might have and I was half asleep and not listening. Or texting things to Bing like, "This SO sucks. Come rescue me. Bring me a knife in a cake."

At any rate, I actually put some thought in to what my affirmation would be. I ended up thinking that it should be I would like to have good health in 2012. I was proud of not acting like a smart ass and really writing something halfway ok.

So, I scribbled it down and handed it carelessly to the guy sitting on my left. I think his name was George but as I said, I didn't properly pay attention to much of what was going on, so I couldn't be sure. The woman to my right, the beautiful social worker, handed me her affirmation. It said, "I will run for a half hour each day."

I nodded.

It was time to read our affirmations to the rest of the group. George sort of nudged me and said, "Really? This is yours?"

I just nodded brusquely. I mean, God...it wasn't that radical was it?

So, we started reading our affirmations. It was George's turn. I glanced over at him and noticed that his face was bright red.

God, I thought to myself...he is REALLY uptight about talking in front of groups.

And then, he said this:

"Hello, everyone. This is Maria on my right. And um...well...um...she writes that she would like to have good SEX in 2012."

And then he sat down very quickly. The room was silent. I looked over at him, daggers in my eyes. And then my eyes fell to the paper he read from with my affirmations.

I had written TEN times (as requested): I would like to have good sex in 2012.

Oh, fuck. Was that MY writing?

It was.

People started tittering after that long silence. A few made disgusted noises in their throats. Some of the men from the whatever office started looking at me in a whole different way. A few of the woman rolled their eyes and shook their heads.

I wanted to stand up and scream that THIS WAS NOT WHAT I MEANT TO WRITE! But, um...I HAD written it.

All together now. Can we say Freudian slip?

And then, of course, I couldn't really say anything. I mean...it would have just looked worse, no matter what I said. So, I took ownership of it. Blushed furiously. And stood up and managed to say, "Hello everyone. This is Helena and she wants to run for a half hour each day."

And then, thankfully, we moved on.

When it was over, I tried to get out as quickly as I could. This was impossible because three of the men decided that it was very important that they converse with me. I mean, I was obviously a cougar in heat.

Cougar need some catnip?

I wanted to sink through the floor and disappear. Mostly, I was incredulous that I could have actually written that even if it was subliminal.

Because...well...I'm human. I WOULD like to have good sex in 2012. I just didn't want to say that. I mean...I must have felt it, ok. But..WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH ME?

I had carpooled with Milagros, Julie, Piper and Becca. And they teased me ALL THE WAY HOME. I am dreading going to work tomorrow.

Because I am the aloof co-worker. The one who sticks to safe topics. I'm not the one who gets her shoulder cried on in bathrooms. I am good for a good morning salutation or a discussion of why Romney is an idiot. I can talk about how great The Walking Dead is. I will defend Lee DeWyze from all naysayers.

But...I am the LAST one who would talk about my sexual appetite in an...um...in a session. With STRANGERS!

Ai yi yi yi yi.

So, please tell me something incredibly embarrassing that happened to you sometime. Something worse than this.

Or just laugh. Because...seriously? I would, if the shoe wasn't on my foot.

I would be laughing like a loon if someone ELSE had done this.

Have a go....